Derby is as derby does...

So. I've been going to roller derby practice since 04/10/09, so that's been 3 months so far. 3 months of the toughest workouts and hardest tests of strength I've been through, which might sound like an exaggeration but if you knew just how unfit I really am, then you'd know it isn't. I really am a complete wreck. Just the other day I had to tell a girl I can't to "The Plank". Not because I'd hurt my ankle so couldn't put the weight on it, but more because my arms and toes just can't take my weight and I slump down instantly! So that was a tad embarassing. But I'm working on it. Healthier diet, exercising as much as possible, attending practice every week, positive attitude, etc etc.

But I'm struggling to maintain the positive attitude. I always knew it wasn't the easiest of sports to take up, and even just learning how to skate is hard (at least for me it was), but I didn't really plan for the effect it would have on my mindset in general. I'm not the neediest of people, but without a certain level of encouragement, I get disheartened pretty quickly, but in roller derby the attitude seems be "well, cry if you must, but tough shit, get your skates on". It's not like anybody is actually SAYING that to me though. That's just the vibe I'm getting. Like I can't get upset that I can't do something, or that I've hurt myself, or cos I'm jealous of the people that started at the same time as me that are strides ahead. Perhaps I'm just too damned sensitive, but there's not a huge amount I can do about that. I'm trying my hardest, but it'd not exactly easy. I honestly spend 2-3 hours a week feeling like an idiot, because I can't do what I want to do, which is skate well and occassionally communicate with people. I know I'm a quiet person, and I'm even irritating myself with talking about this, but it's honestly like I don't know how to make friends anymore. I watch the people I AM friends with being chatty with everyone else, but when I try it's like the conversation dies. But it's not just derby practice that's happening with. That just seems to be the case everywhere right now. Perhaps people are picking up on the way I feel, and it's making me hard to be mates with (which is perfectly reasonable). But sometimes, seriously, I feel like Michael Scott.

Anyway, you'd be forgiven for thinking after reading this that I was thinking of giving it up. Well I'm not. I seriously love it. It's only because I love it so much that I get so upset by it. If I hated it or wasn't enjoying it, I wouldn't be stressing over it and I'd stop in a heartbeat. But it's become part of my life, the way everyone that's involved says it does, and if for any reason I had to stop going for a while or give it up entirely, I'd be heartbroken! I just want to enjoy it more. I want to do well. I want to get along with people a bit better. I want to spend more time skating and less time wanting to cry. And I don't necessarily want, but wouldn't really mind either, the occassional pat on the back when I manage to go 3 laps without falling over.

Knitted brows

I'm an arty type. I like to experiment with different types of arty and crafty stuff, but find I get down pretty quickly if I don't pick something up as quickly as I'd like. A lot of the girls I know are very crafty and come up with the loveliest things, and I find myself quite envious at times, so I wanted to make more of an effort this year to get better at the things I struggle with.

My friend Susie has kindly offered to teach me how to knit properly! I know how to KNIT, if that makes sense...but that's about it! I'm rubbish at reading charts and counting stitches, so I can knit a mean square, hell I could probably knit a whole scarf or blanket! But a hat to go with them? Not so much. And what the hell is felting? I thought I knew but after checking out Loraines blog I realised I don't have a freakin' clue! THIS is the sort of thing I want to do!!

So I have loads of needles (plastic unfortunately) and wool and I'm gonna see when she has time. I've been seeing some of the stuff friends have been making and it's making me itch to get something going. I hae 2 awesome knitting books so I'll see if she'll take me through some of those patterns to get me going.

There's a LOT of stuff I'm interested in improving on, but for some reason knitting is stuck in my head ATM, so I might as well grab it and run with it. It'll probably be yet another of my flash-in-the-pan interests (again. This isn't the first time I've tried to take it up!) but meh. If it keeps me occupied and gets me spending more time with friends then it can only be a good thing :)

New Look

I also changed my layout. Not keen on the dreadful bevel-and-emboss effect on the drippy black thing, but I'm quite a monochrome mood these days so it'll do for now :)

A long December...

...and there's reason to be believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

I remember thinking of this song in Dec 08 and thinking "Yes, next year HAS to be better". Was it? Well, it wasn't worse, that's for sure. Better is debatable. So these lyrics are in my head again now, in Jan 10, because Dec 09 was truly the longest December of my life, but this time I really do believe that I have reason to be believe that 2010 will be a better year. Again, perhaps this is because I feel it couldn't really get much worse, but also there are new things and new hopes for 2010, so maybe it's for a positive reason after all!

I desperately want to get back into blogging properly, but I didn't feel I could without broaching the subject of the past few months at least a little. As I'm not quite ready to talk about most of it, I wont go into detail right now, but now that I've partially broken the silence I might just update regularly and revisit this post if/when I am ready in the future.

For now, I hope all my readers had a very merry Christmas and a very happy New Year :D


xo