But I'm struggling to maintain the positive attitude. I always knew it wasn't the easiest of sports to take up, and even just learning how to skate is hard (at least for me it was), but I didn't really plan for the effect it would have on my mindset in general. I'm not the neediest of people, but without a certain level of encouragement, I get disheartened pretty quickly, but in roller derby the attitude seems be "well, cry if you must, but tough shit, get your skates on". It's not like anybody is actually SAYING that to me though. That's just the vibe I'm getting. Like I can't get upset that I can't do something, or that I've hurt myself, or cos I'm jealous of the people that started at the same time as me that are strides ahead. Perhaps I'm just too damned sensitive, but there's not a huge amount I can do about that. I'm trying my hardest, but it'd not exactly easy. I honestly spend 2-3 hours a week feeling like an idiot, because I can't do what I want to do, which is skate well and occassionally communicate with people. I know I'm a quiet person, and I'm even irritating myself with talking about this, but it's honestly like I don't know how to make friends anymore. I watch the people I AM friends with being chatty with everyone else, but when I try it's like the conversation dies. But it's not just derby practice that's happening with. That just seems to be the case everywhere right now. Perhaps people are picking up on the way I feel, and it's making me hard to be mates with (which is perfectly reasonable). But sometimes, seriously, I feel like Michael Scott.
Anyway, you'd be forgiven for thinking after reading this that I was thinking of giving it up. Well I'm not. I seriously love it. It's only because I love it so much that I get so upset by it. If I hated it or wasn't enjoying it, I wouldn't be stressing over it and I'd stop in a heartbeat. But it's become part of my life, the way everyone that's involved says it does, and if for any reason I had to stop going for a while or give it up entirely, I'd be heartbroken! I just want to enjoy it more. I want to do well. I want to get along with people a bit better. I want to spend more time skating and less time wanting to cry. And I don't necessarily want, but wouldn't really mind either, the occassional pat on the back when I manage to go 3 laps without falling over.
Hugs to you, trying new things can be difficult! Dear Hubby doesn't understand how difficult mountain biking is for me, I am just not naturally athletic but I keep trying and I keep getting on the bike because I am stronger than I think I am, and I know you are too!
ReplyDeleteAch babe I'm sorry I haven't been (and won't be able to be) there for a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure if you realise just how much you HAVE come along since we started and proud you should be of yourself, though!
ReplyDeleteI admit, I can relate a bit to how you're feeling - so many of the folk have got the grasp of skating quicker than we have, and do seem a lot more confident. I don't know what to say to anyone most of the time - it's like my mind goes blank and I can't think of a single thing to say to anyone.
As for the words of encouragement... this isn't really a sport for the fainthearted, and as shitty and frustrated as we feel at times, I think we're having to learn to 'suck it up' and just get on with it. I think it's more a case of being able to pat *yourself* on the back, and not needing to rely on praise from anyone else. I mean, the whole reason we started this was for ourselves, not for anyone else, right?
*huuuuuugs*
If you need to chat, just give me a shout.
xXx
Steph, I think it is really, really brave that you are doing something you really want to do, when it means you pushing boundaries all the time. Quiet though you may be, it means you are quite a strong person.
ReplyDeleteAlso, learning is one thing I know about, and the key to it is this - most people can do most things,If they have the desire to, and EVERYONE learns at a different pace.
And, the next time our men-folk have band practice, come along - I think you are pretty easy to talk to!
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ReplyDeleteRoller derbying can be quite fun...the best part? when two angry combatants collide and begin kissing each other for no damn good reason...
ReplyDeleteWell, they say roller derby is the sport for women who hate sport.. which is great, and encourages people to give it a go even when they feel like a fish out of water, but that also makes it the sport for a lot of women who are pretty unfit. So you're not alone! Don't forget that.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're working really hard and challenging yourself in lots of ways all at the same time - take it at your own pace.
I think it's really neat that you're blogging about this. And I'll bet that if you read this post back in a few months you'll realise how far you've come. Good luck! x