Aunt Acid: 2009

Or, in plain English, "Where are you from?".

An idea I got from the gorgeous Amber and the wonderful Amy, the former being a Vegas native and the latter hailing from Washington. Although I didn't get a lot of Amy's references, I got a few on Ambers despite only spending 2 weeks in her home city! So I decided to do my own, as much to provide the two of them some translations to some words I occassionally use on the forums! Oh and I have to mention, I didn't write this, so my apologies if it offends any of my readers (apologises frantically in advance)

Here goes!

You know you're from Scotland when....

1. You say "cheers" or "ta" instead of thanks.

2. You love Irn-Bru and can't understand people that say it's sickly sweet fizz with bright artificial colouring.

3. You can't stop yourself supporting any team that plays England in any sport.

4. You wear nothing under your kilt and flash folk even if they believe you!

5. "Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind" is good weather!

6. A sunny day with temp of 13C (55F) is time to wear shorts, skimpy clothes and have a BBQ!

7. You call Chavs "Neds". If you live in the inner city or central belt you have to be prepared for encounters with Neds (Non Educated Delinquents). They are usually in groups of about 10-20. They are all weak and only "fight" in groups and by "fight" I mean "slashing or "chibbing" or using any other instrument other than their fists. Dress-sense-wise most have a Berghaus jacket (usually stolen from someone they have attacked) complete with a Burberry hat tuned to the moon and bright white socks pulled over joggers. Female Nedettes referred to as “Sengas” are pretty much the same although they have 5 rings on average on each finger complete with fake gold earrings. They hang around the streets looking for a fight, stealing cars and drinking cheap booze usually "Buckie". They have poor vocabulary, usually because the dropped out of school at the age of 12.

8. What you call a suntan is what other people call sunburnt (well there are some lucky Scots, but in general!!)

9. The only sausage you like is "square".

10. You call New Year's Eve "Hogmanay" and don't seem to think 2 days national holiday is long enough to recover from the partying!

11. Haggis is a tasty national dish not a glorified sheep's stomach filled with random minced organs and oats.

12. Sean Connery was the best James Bond.

13. You know Curling and Shinty are sports not birds.

14. You point out to foreigners that actually only some people have ginger hair in Scotland, not everyone.

15. You know fried Mars bars are only available in touristy places and nobody actually eats them. What’s more if you asked your local chippy to do it you would get this response: "Ken what pal, I'll do it but if my fryer breaks down you are paying me £5,000 sunshine".

16. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.

17. You know a wide vocabulary of random Scottish words: an idiot is "a numpty". "Aye" = yes. "Aye Right" = not likely. "Auld yin"= someone over 40. "Baltic" = freezing. "Dry yer eyes" = aww..diddums. "Dry Boak" = sickened, etc.

18. On the 25th January you feel obliged to attend a Burns supper. At the venue you drink whisky, eat Haggis & Neeps, listen to poems.

19. You know what a Ceilidh is and how to pronounce it properly! You know how to “Strip the Willow” and do the “Gay Gordons!” Guaranteed floor fillers at weddings, grad balls, etc. Up there with the tango as a celebrated dance. Sweatier and more violent than the jive, but maybe not as sexy as Cuban salsa.

20. You casually tell foreign friends that if it wasn't for the Scots there would be no television, penicillin, golf, fax machines, telephones, bicycles, etc.

21. You have an irrational need to eat anything fried with your chip supper from the chippy: haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken (but not mars bars).

22. You used to love eating these sweeties when you were young: Buchanan's toffees, wham bars, tablet, Irn-Bru bars, Cola Cubes…

23. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever the Scotland national football team play a "diddy" team that we will lose.

24. You know that Scotland will never actually win the World Cup, but keep partying anyway!

25. You know that when asked "Howsitgaun?" any response other than "no bad" will be pyschologically analysed; has he/she won the lottery, dog died? etc.

26. You think you can speak Scottish Gaelic even though all you know is "Failte" "Sassenachs" and "Slainte va".

27. You have been accused of being from England while you are on holiday abroad. Repeatedly.

28. You would rather stand up on the bus for an hour than bother the person whose handbag is currently occupying the last available seat.

29. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather. "Dreich day eh?... Aye at least the wind has died down".

30. You secretly curse the day the first Scotrail ticket barriers came into operation as you can no longer skive a train journey!

31. You love the Glasgow "Clockwork Orange" Underground even though it is now like a child's Hornby train set compared to other city metro systems.

32. You actually do care if your mobile phone meets the current fashion standard.

33. People ask you if the Loch Ness Monster exists or haggis is an animal and you try to spread the myth further by stating it's true

34. You feel like a failure if you haven't got a full drivers licence before you're 22.

35. You can recall only a handful of films set in Scotland that are not depressing or suicidal.

36. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia, Deacon Blue, Big Country etc. you still LOVE it when you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish. (you'll probably even ask the DJ to play it…)

37. You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day.

38. You feel special if you can speak another language in addition to English.

39. You no longer find it strange to see female Neds walking around with neck chains with their names in huge brass letters pushing their prams into the £1 shop to gorge on sweets while berating their daughters called “Britney” and “Shakira”. You have laughed (quietly) at delusional neds who you hear say "Fawk man, errs a load of bams/neds over there!"

40. A full English Breakfast is transformed into a Scottish Breakfast by adding black pudding, potato scones and square sausage.

41. You are shocked to discover that you can't drink tap water abroad and must buy bottled water. Also you find water in England, Denmark etc just doesn't taste anywhere near as nice as Scottish water.

42. You attempt to use your legal tender Scottish Pound notes in England and then have to argue for 5 minutes to make them accept it or just walk out of a shop in disgust.

43. You will wait and hold the door for someone 100 metres behind you incase you cause offence.

44. You roll your R's like the Spanish, you say “grrreen” or “that’s rrrrrubbish.”

45. You say sorry to someone who has bumped into you even though it was their fault.

46. You are in the USA and are constantly told "I love your accent, it's so....sexy!"

47. You are in the USA and are asked "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Huh, you Irish-Scotch are so much fun"…

48. There are no lakes, only lochs.

49. Castles are no big deal and you are oddly fascinated by how excited tourists get talking about them.

50. You were given an “Oor Wullie” or “Broons” annual at Christmas.

51. You get offended by people calling you "Scotch" (usually Americans or English), which you kindly point out is a whisky not a nationality. You also get offended by English people who call you "Jocks" or "Sweaty Socks".

52. You secretly love to complain about anything and everything! "I'm fair scunnered with that bridge toll, ye ken", "No auditions in Scotland for Britain's Got Talent, a disgrace!.

53. You have Standard Grades and Highers!

54. You go to University for free!

55. You don't say small, you say "wee". e.g I fancy the wee burd standing at the bar with the cosmopolitan.

56. Girls are called "burds" e.g How're things going with the burd?” Wheresawra burds?

57. You see police and hear someone shout "Errrapolis".

58. Drunk people can’t resist putting a traffic cone on any statue they are able to clamber up.

59. You pronounce Edinburgh as Edin-burr-ah, not Edinboro, Edinbourg, Edinborough or Edinbuurg.

60. You see odd socks lying on the road (where do they come from?)

61. You have participated in or witnessed people having a "square go".

62. When asked which Glasgow football team you support by a hard-looking guy/psycho, you answer straight-faced "Partick Thistle".

63. You have laughed at Still Game, Chewing the Fat or some other BBC Scotland comedy and...you don't need subtitles to understand.

64. You buy an "ECOSSE" sticker for your car before a driving holiday in France just in case they think you are, um, yes that's right...English.

65. You secretly love to queue but can't tolerate queue skippers who you stare at with venom, cough aloud "ahem.”

66. You have eaten lots of random Scottish food like: Bridies, Aberdeen Rowies (butteries), Mince & Tatties, Haggis, Cullen Skink, Stovies, Tunnock's Teacakes/Snowballs, Scott's Porridge Oats, Macaroon Bars, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pies, Scotch Eggs, Oatcakes, Shortbread etc.

67. You are one of Jock Tamson's bairns (whoever he is?).

68. A “jakey” has asked you for money: "Got any spare change pal/hen?"

69. You are an expert at dodging charity street fundraisers.

70. You wait expectantly for your 1 p change from the shopkeeper.

71. You have eaten chips and curry sauce after a trip to the swimming baths when you were young.

72. You speak louder than Swedish people but not as loud as Americans.

73. You watched Postman Pat and "Padraig Post" when you were young.

74. You have gone on a shopping binge in Buchanan Street.

75. You show midgies the respect they deserve (the wee bastards!)

76. You probably bank with Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS), Bank of Scotland or Clydesdale Bank.

77. You were forced to read "Sunset Song" in English class at school.

78. You drink whisky without ice. (and you spell it without an e)

79. You probably have never played the bagpipes (this might surprise Americans)!

80. You put salt on anything you eat!

81. You used to put sugar on your Kellogg's Frosties when you were young.

82. You love street parties but rarely go because severe weather has cancelled them.

83. You love a good curry!

84. You get pissed off by English ignorance/arrogance for example:

85. A. "Look at the state of my English (United Kingdom) passport"
B. "Hey come off it, England (Britain) is an island"
C. "So when are you going back to England (Scotland or United Kingdom)? em...Scotland; "Huh, yeah, same thing innit?"
D. "I need to change my Euros to English (British) money"
E." I don't want Gordon Brown to be English (British) Prime Minister, he's a Scot".

86. There's a golf course within 5 miles of your house and a world-class golf course within 40 miles!

87. The only fish to eat with chips is haddock.

88. You've seen these classic Scottish films: Trainspotting, The Wicker Man, Gregory's Girl, Braveheart, Restless Natives....etc

89. You notice how posh Billy Connolly's accent is becoming over the years.

90. Selected to be on a jury you have the additional Scottish verdict of "not proven", which is kinda like "mibbaes aye, mibbaes naw".

91. You played kirby/kerby as a kid, bouncing balls of kerbsides.

92. You call Henman Hill "Murray's Mound".

93. Rugby is the "posh" sport.

94. You love to sing karaoke!

95. You have dramatic, stunning, awe-inspiring scenery on your doorstep but you just can't be arsed driving further than Loch Lomond (NB: applies only to Central Belt).

96. You can talk endlessly about traffic congestion. "Aye the M8 was murder the day, I had to come off at Ibrox then there was a 15 minute queue to get in the centre of town..."

97. You don't see ordinary coos (cows) in the field, you see Heelan coos (Highland cows). Yep they are the 70's rock stars of the cattle world, available in 11 shades of orange. Extras include, Harley Davidson handlebar horns!

98. There are random statues. For example: to dogs (Greyfriars Bobby) and cartoon characters (Desperate Dan) amongst others!

99. There are amazing white beaches (like Wester Ross and Harris) that could be mistaken for Caribbean hideaways in travel brochures. Only problem it's baltic and you could get hypothermia from just dippin your toes in the water!

100. “Heather the Weather” (Metrologist) appears on your TV with a "Hi there!", gangly wrists and toothy smile telling you more bad weather but her cheery West coast lilt helps a bit. You can go camping on a whim. A tent with a view, open fire, beer cooled in a stream, cooking sausages and smoking out the damn midgies!

101. The language makes you smile: “How no?” = Why not; “Geeezabrek” = give me a break please, “Ahwizpyoorlik'ahtbut” = I was totally amazed/nonplussed/shocked.

102. You know how to make visitors feel welcome. You take them into your home, feed them and give them a bed. You feed them beyond the point of hospitality (excludes Edinburgh) "Dae you want some soup? Have another bowl. If ye don't eat it, it'll just go doon the drain...”

103. You know a thousand different words for drunk, here's just a few: badgered, bladdered, bleezin', blootered, cabbaged, guttered, hammered, lashed, leathered, mangled, minced, rubbered, wellied, reekin', banjaxed, stocious, mingin', etc.

104. You are generally unpretentious and unreserved.

105. You say "Thank you, driver" when leaving a bus. We could just ignore them, but we don't. Thanking the bus driver improves their day and ours.

106. You know that our rain is special. Oh yes, we have the horizontal kind, the misty kind, fat rain, "is it actually raining" rain and the downright dirty! No morning is complete without it, no hairstyle or make-up immune to it. It is our birthright, a gift from above.

107. You know what Taggart is or rather was. "Yer brains'll be oan the pavement unless ye help us". The charming Maryhill CID. The classic of course, "Therr's bein a murdurrr".

108. You love the banter! Yes, jovial and frivolous conversation, with several skill levels. This is an art form in Scotland.

109. You can climb 284 Scottish Mountain Munros (Mountain 3000 feet or higher) if you can ever be arsed.

110. You see crazy placenames. For example: Kilmahog, Buckie, Auchenshuggle, Ballachulish, Ecclefechan, Kirkcudbright and Lairig Grhu. Loch Lochy also deserves a mention.

111. You feel more Scottish the further away you travel. You also get sentimental once you get there.

112. Women always have an umbrella in their handbag.

113. You need to wear wellies to summer music festivals and you are mentally prepared for a mudbath!

114. You sometimes think English people will understand you and they don't e.g "I'm swithering to go out later" "Sorry, you what, swith..??" "I fancy a jeelie piece" !A what?"

115. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent. E.g.

116. Glaswegian: "Awright pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Record, cheers, magic pal."
Fifer: "Aye, that wifie is getting it oan wi a laddie fae the butchers." Dundonian: "I'm awa hame tae hae a peh."
Aberdonian: "Fit like, fair few quines in the night eh?"

117. You are actually generous and considerate rather than (stereotypically) stingy. You give someone a quid if they need one for their locker. You happily give money for charitable causes, 10k sponsorship. You'll give your underground discovery ticket to someone when your finished using it, allow people to take some of your chips on your way home from the pub, take the time to give tourists directions (excluding the citizens of Edinburgh who would never be able to do anything if that was the case).

118. The shopkeepers love a wee "blether" with you. "I'm a dopey bunny today son, need to go for a wee sleep later, watch your soup it's hot, that's £2.90 please".

119. You are mentally prepared on bus/train for some Neds to start blasting shit happy hardcore tunes from their little mobiles "Boom, Boom, (chipmunk) "When I was young and life was so wonderful (Boom) (Boom)"

120. You see local bands go on to become huge successes with world-wide hits and massive fan base. Franz Ferdinand (No they are not from England as a few Americans told me) Mogwai, Belle & Sebastian, Idlewild, Cocteau twins, Arab strap, Del Amitri, etc.

121. You love to read newspapers. You'll read anything, the Metro, Record, Sun, Evening Times, Herald, Scotsman, Courier, P & J, Guardian etc. You'll even pick up and read a tattered, used paper that you found on the floor of a train...

122. You know that the only parts Scottish people get in U.S./BBC/English programmes are as alcoholics, drug addicts or violent aggressive characters who speak with an almost incomprehensible rough accent.

123. You cringe at foreign people trying to do a Scottish accent (normally really badly!!).

124. You think it's weird if a house isn't made of bricks/stones.

125. Unlike the Swedes, you happily jaywalk and feel stupid not walking across the road when there are no vehicles but a red man.

126. is an unofficial "boy racer" road/circuit in your town or city. Yes on any given day, you can see souped-up Vauxhall Corsas etc razzing down the street with blue lights, huge alloys and dance music blasting out!

127. You follow the commuter code of looking utterly miserable whilst slowly flicking through your Metro on the bus/train/subway. If you smile, people will look at you suspiciously.

Oops, that was a bit long! Perhaps I shouldn't have just hit ctrl-A!!

Ok, my to-do list has gotten soooo far away from me. It's not even funny! I'm a bit behind on college work cos I find it hard to work with certain lecturers so I prefer to do their work at home. Unfortunately the XBOX is at home, as is the interwebs, so procrastination is the name of the game most of the time! So I have college work to catch up on, I have a diary to keep for one class, and I'm falling over stuff with tattoos. I have pin-up girls to draw, crosses to measure, flowers to design, and Larry Burns and Rover (yes Rover) Dangerfield to work with! Oh, and I have an arts and crafts table at a cheese and wine night lol in 2 weeks so I need to make a lot of stuff to go to that with.

It's all gogogo but unfortunately I'm lacking in motivation right now. Instead of working on any of this, I spend most of my free time on the internet, because the idea of picking up a pen/pencil/paintbrush is a complete anathema to me right now. Sometimes I think I'm taking on too much, but if I don't have enough to keep me occupied then it just feels worse. Plus the busier my hands are, the less they are to wander to the cookie jar or crisp bag! I know a few people right now who are trying to lose weight so I'd rather try my hardest along with them. It's not going to be easy!

But, anyway, the mother-in-law will be in soon, which means I can borrow her embroidery thread and get to work on a couple of things I want to make. I'll just have to hide my sketchbook tomorrow and hope my lecturer doesn't notice!!