Black Snake Moan: The Abridged Script

(I posted this on my Myspace blog/LJ a few years back, and Woody mentioned it recently so I thought it's be fun to revisit and post it here!)

FADE IN:

EXT. MEMPHIS TENNESSE

Christina Ricci and Justin Timberlake have sex, then Justin leaves to go to war.

CHRISTINA RICCI
Now that he's gone, I'm going to take a shitload of drugs and let everyone fuck me!

CHRISTINA'S MOM
Wow, you're quite the despicable idiot.

CHRISTINA RICCI
I was abused as a kid.

CHRISTINA'S MOM
Never mind then, you're blameless! Need some condoms?

Christina gets raped by one too many guys and Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson finds her beaten and half-naked outside his house the next morning.

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Jesus Christ! What the hell happened to you?

 CHRISTINA RICCI
Yeah, I got my ass kicked.

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, I mean, when did you turn into a sack of antlers? Didn't you used to be curvy and hot?

Samuel brings Christina inside his home to take care of her.

CHRISTINA RICCI
Shouldn't you take me to hospital? Are you qualified? 

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Of course I am, now get in this bath full of ice cubes

Samuel chains Christina to his radiator. This is probably supposed to be hot, but is disturbing. And kind of hot.

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
I'll cure you of your nymphomania.

CHRISTINA RICCI
Oh. I guess you'll want to give me an old t-shirt so that I don't have to spend the whole movie half-naked.

 SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Ummmm… No. I'm going to sing some blues and read the bible to you instead. Feel free to writh around in your panties.

Samuel speaks like a stereotypical Southern Black man while Christina is chastised for her sexuality. She eventually learns to speak softly, wear flowery dresses and cook for men.

CHRISTINA RICCI
Wow, it's like the movie is competing with itself to see if it can be more sexist or more racist.

We finally leave the set of Sam's house for a dive bar where Sam can sing some blues.

CHRISTINA RICCI
Is it OK if I dance suggestively with a shitload of guys while you sing, or would that be a regression to my whorey ways?

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Go right ahead, ain't nothin' sinful about being a tease.

Samuel plays the blues, mending his broken heart.

CHRISTINA RICCI
Isn't this movie made by the guy who did Hustle & Flow? Does he only make movies about how music invented by black men can be emotionally cathartic for black men?

 SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Hey, who understands the plight of the black man better than the white son of a rich corporate developer?

Christina illustrates her newfound purity by singing some Christian hymns while Samuel plays more blues.

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
I can play the blues again! 

CHRISTINA RICCI
And I don't want to fuck everything that moves!

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
And I've overcome my crippling anxiety disorder for a few minutes! 

SAMUEL L MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Oh, the amazing healing power of a cursory understanding of Christian theology!

Christina and Justin get married. Everyone lives hazardously-ever-after.

CHRISTINA RICCI
So what exactly is the difference between this movie and a porno?

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
Pornos have better music. I'm bringing sexy back. Go ahead, be gone with it.

END