Do you know what I'm talking about? No?
What I'm talking about is couples, previously two separate entities, becoming "we"s. It starts off innocuously enough. When people get together at first, it's obvious they're going to want to do things together, and go places together, that kind of thing. But then things change. Slowly it creeps in and takes over. "I" and "s/he" vanish, replaced by "we". Suddenly you never see your friend alone again, every social outing must include the significant other, or they only ever want you to come over and hang out with "us", never "me". Before you know it your friendship with this person is gone like your pretty Geraniums, replaced by something else entirely. A grotesque singularity that cannot be separated. The We(ed).
This is what's happened with my "best" friend. I use quotation marks because I don't really know I can call her that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still care for her a great deal and her boyfriend is a sweetheart I have a lot of time for, but that doesn't mean I want to spend all my time with THEM. I want to see HER once in a while. I want HER to come into Glasgow for drinks or lunch, and perhaps to go round to her flat to spend time with HER. But no, it's always "us us us" and it's tiring.
Now, I have lots of friends who are part of a couple. Take the lovely Lisa and her equally lovely husband Dave (Lisa, my apologies for using you and Dave as an example without prior permission! If you wish me to change it to Mr and Mrs X or change my example altogether, just say!). They've been married almost two years (huzzah!) and do almost everything together. Generally when I speak to Lisa about doing something Dave is generally involved as well. But this is not because Lisa in incapable of interacting without Dave, or vice versa. It's because they're the best of friends! Their friends are very much mutual, so it's never a case of one is hanging out with the others friends, they are socialising with THEIR friends. But Dave does things on his own, and Lisa does things on her own. If I was to ask Lisa if she wanted a girlie night out, then Lisa is who I'd have the night out with! The same is true for my hubstand and I. We don't do everything together because one of us feels we HAVE to, but because we WANT to. It's when you can tell a couple do everything together because one or the other cannot do anything alone anymore and has become completely co-dependant that I become frustrated.
I think some of the most important things in a relationship are retaining your sense of self, your independance, and your individuality, because if you don't you'll just become another We(ed).
Are there any relationship issues or quirks that really get YOUR goat?
(I stole the idea for this bit here from pretty Miss P. Her blog is one of my favourites, go check her out!)
Steph my love, you don't need my permission! The thing I find strange is that other married people think the way our marriage works is odd. For us, an quite evidently for yourself and Woody, marriage is very important, but we both think it's important that we retain our sense of self. I don't want to be 50 and sitting in the same room as my husband with nothing to talk about. It waould be terrible!
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you for the shout-out! :)
ReplyDeleteSomething that irritates me no end is when someone in a relationship (as in, not even married) signs a card in my office from them and their other half. A girl in my work does this all the time, and it does my head in. It's like she's just highlighting the fact they're together. Half the time, the dude doesn't even KNOW the person she's signing on his behalf for.
Also, I believe in compromise, but don't change your personality to be exactly what he or she wants! I also see this from the same girl, and from so many other people.
Hmm I feel a little out-of-place commenting since I'm not married, but was in a long term relationship up until last year... I completely understand what you mean, though. It sounds like your friend can't quite strike the balance between her and the boyf moving in the same social circle, but remembering to socialise independently of one another too.
ReplyDeleteSucks that it's gotten to the point where you're getting frustrated over it, though!
Unfortunately there may be a chance that one of them is discouraging the other from going out with friends alone? Insecurity or jealousy, maybe? Just sayin'.
x
Good points one and all! Mich, it's about couples both married and unmarried :) and you make a good point because another of my friends was very much in the situation you described, but it felt different if you know what I mean. I try to give the benefit of the doubt just incase that IS the situation though!
ReplyDeleteP - that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. When the other party doesn't even KNOW their partners aquaintences it just smacks of desperation, like "If I sign his name, it just HAS to work out!!" And again compromise is SO important, but I think some people take it a bit too far and end up everything being on the other persons terms and nothing on theirs.